Summer, 2008                    Cheryl Moody

Ok I am officially freaked out by Austin’s Keep it Weird campaign.  It’s working wayaaayyy too well for me.

It’s 12:15 am and there is a toad in my toilet, like he swam up from the pipes and wanted to hop out into the house.  YIKES!!!!

Bear in mind, I don’t live out on a desolate ranch, miles from civilization w/bad (if existent at all) cell reception.  I live off S. Congress – Guero’s ‘hood – totally surrounded by other houses – way too close for my comfort – civilization, right?

Oh, waaaaiitt a minute – there is a dried up old creek behind the house.  With a 14 inch wide trickle of dirty water – can’t tell which direction it’s headed – north or south.  I certainly don’t want to go down there.  Too jungley looking – ya know?

Conspiracy Theory 1 -Maybe the frog crawled up from the tiny creek in the back yard – up through the sewage pipe and into my toilet….shudder….Shudder ……

Thanks be to GOD I saw it before I sat down.  This late at night, that’s not always a certainty.  Sometimes I don’t turn on the light in the middle of the night – I just sit down without looking – in the DARK!!!!  Wow!

I screamed – bloodcurdling loud – (surely the toad was scared to death and froze!) and slammed the toilet lid shut.  Loudly and Firmly.!!   I think it’s still in there.  I hope so, I really really really hope it’s trapped in there and didn’t hop out first.

This didn’t even happen to me at camp growing up – even though I had nightmares about it.  Even though I put Saran Wrap on the toilet seat covers in the middle of the night – to the dismay of other girls who had to pee in the middle of the night at camp.  Yes, I was the one who did that.  Anyway, even at camp, rough and disgusting bunk bed campsite version of Hades that it was, there were no frogs coming up the toilet.

I’ve been flushing the toilet, repeatedly, just not sure he was all the way in there OR if his suction cups on the bottom of his webbed feet have enabled him to stay attached to the cold white porcelain bowl despite the torrential rain of the flushing water running over him.  What do you think?  It’s one of those economical toilets – so it doesn’t have much water pressure OR much water.  I absolutely despise the eco movement at this moment in time.  AND I’m not lifting up the toilet to check on what it’s doing down there. 

Do you think he’ll hang out all night in there?  Is he strong enough to push the lid up & hop out?  I won’t be able to sleep tonight, I’m sure.

Who do I call to help me right now?  I have no idea. 

I only know 4 people in Austin.  I moved here 2 weeks ago…from Manhattan. 

Heeeeyyyy!  I know what you’re thinking.  I should be tougher.  Truth be told, I called the super day or night – to get the mice out of my loft.  Only about 1 a year, sometimes 2. 

And frogs are gross – coming up the toilet!!

I have googled this situation, and gotten zero results.  I even tried Yahoo, Foxfire, Safari, Google, Ask, MSN….nothing comes up.  I have no idea what to do.

I guess I”ll try re-arranging the key word in order of priority – some of them in and some of them out of quotes.  Wonder how long this will take me?

Now It’s 1:14….almost an hour has passed. 

Do you think he can squeeze out between the toilet seats during the night?  While I’m trying to sleep? 

I don’t know where or how to pee now.

I have hot pink – neon pink – sticky notes with Huge Capital “NO”:  stuck everywhere in the bathroom.  On the counter, on the mirror, on the toilet seat, on top of the bright  orange & white striped huge heavy beach towel draped over the top, on top of the tall white bowl….Hopefully I won’t wake up in the middle of the night and forget about it .  Surely not with all the warning hot pink sticky notes everywhere? 

What do you think?  Am I safe?

OK, I have something on the line.  “Frog in toilet” has quite a few results on google, although no answers as to how to get it out of there – no answers at all.  Forget that I’m a tall tough Texan who mastered NYC in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.  This is something different – altogether.  This rates right up there with an R-rated horror show – I never watch those.  Not even the commercials.  (I am wimpy with reptiles & insects & amphibians & bloody gory doctor shows & violently graphic cop shows, hospital shows, private eye crime solving shows, etc.)  But I savor an international spy novel.  That’s different!  (My masculine side coming out – sorry) 

Conspiracy Theory 2 -There’s a suggestion on one of the blogs that the toad may have dropped out of a tree onto the roof and came through a vent in the ceiling.  ???? and hopped into the toilet?  Not sure I’m buying that one.  BUT there are a lot of trees on the lot.

Small town rodeos in West Texas, fox hunts in the English countryside, man hunts in Manhattan, VC’ers in Greenwich, Connecticut – not much scares me….but a toad in the toilet.   Shudder …. Shudder

I have to pee – more than I had to almost two hours ago.  How am I going to pee with the toad in my toilet?

Obviously not in the backyard.  The dogs next door could see me, plus I’d wake them up, they’d bark, and wake up my neighbor, who would come outside and find me.  Their roosters & chickens could hear me and start to crow – an hour before their usual alarm clock.

PLUS there could be other creatures – more worrisome than the toad in the toilet back there right now in the middle of the night.

I walk by and peek into the bathroom once in awhile.  The lights are on, so … I don’t know why the lights are on.  I guess so he’ll be intimidated by the lights – unless he’s being told to go toward the light.  I’m getting more upset – more and more concerned – each time I walk by the bathroom.

Am I more freaked out by how to get rid of the toad?

OR

Am I more freaked out about how am I going to pee?

I wonder about this for a quarter of an hour – stuck in a stare - halfway through another glass of red wine.  A lovely bouquet of a Cote du Rhones.  Yes I’m aware of the fact that I’m adding to my own discomfort by drinking more.  However, I am trying to chill out a little bit – before I burst out of the front door with the flashlight on full beam into the driveway and desperately screaming for help.  I’d probably forget to turn the alarm off, so Brinks would come to my rescue – and maybe THEY would dispose of the toad.  How much would I have to pay them to scrub the toilet with a tough antibacterial, Lysol, germ killing, hardhitting Johnson & Johnson product – nothing eco conscious, of course – before their departure? 

I won’t even ask where they’re putting the frog – as long as it’s off my street.  OK?

How much cash do I have?  Could they put that on my monthly Brinks statement? 

I know – I know – Cash is king.  Only my paycheck doesn’t clear for 4 more days, so I’m tight on cash ‘til then.

Conspiracy Theory 3 - Flashbacks of the last two days – seeping through the cracks of my memories  blurred by and of my work load – I think I remember seeing ants in the bathroom – crawling around the sink.  I just kept smashing them, and didn’t think much of it as I certainly don’t have time to go to the store & get bug spray.  Do you think my procrastinating nature gave the ants sufficient time to signal to the toad that this was a safe house for them?  My arrogance helped their military strategy?  Nature vs. Man –ugh -  Woman.

A workaholic who doesn’t stop by the grocery store to buy some kind of ant stuff has asked for it – she really asked for it.  Now she has a toad in her toilet. 

Maybe this isn’t as funny / disgusting as I’m thinking.  If a guy was here, he would be obligated to rid my toilet of the toad.  But NO, not me, Miss strong, independent female – I’m here alone… and some things are creepier to me than others.

I cannot possibly be the one to attempt to remove the toad.  NO WAY!!!

I still have to pee. 

Should I leave & check into a hotel down the road?  What’s the tallest floor of any hotel I can stay in – so no more frogs can get me.????

What to do?  What to do?  The faster I pace, the more uncomfortable my bladder becomes. 

I’m an infamous pee’er.  I have to pee all the time.  3-4 times a night.  All day long, ‘cuz I drink so much water. 

I’ll probably have to pee 3-4 times before 8 am.  Unless I call the fire department.  Or revert to the Brinks employee strategy.  NOW.  I could do that now, then they would be here in 15 minutes, and it would take them 5 minutes to get rid of the toad, and then scrub the toilet for me.  Then I’m sure there would be piles of paperwork.  sigh

So half an hour to pee – maybe – if we go that way.

OR  I could pee in a pot.  Like they used to in the old days.  I just heard about them pissing in bedside pots in the middle of the night during King Henry 8’s “The Other Boleyn Girl” film – just the other night.  500 years back in time? 

Which pot would I pee in?  A bowl?  A jar?  A metal pot?  With a matching lid?  How full would it get tonight?  Do we have any pot in the house big enough?

I can’t pee in the tub, hanging off the side, because there is a drain and another creature could come up & bite me while I’m trying to pee in the tub.  Not a good idea.

I am totally weirded out right now, Austin.  You got me.