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WHERE ALL MY MONEY WENT
BY
ED MCMAHON
Hooooo!
It's me Ed McMahon and I'm here to tell you exactly what happened to all my money in as much detail as possible because there
are so many rumors going around that I thought I would set the record straight.
Rumor
#1: I hold nightly séances to talk to Johnny. That one is true. I am guilty sir! Every evening, after Pam
feeds me my mashed baby food (baby loves his butternut squash and corn!) we retire to the "talky room" where we both dress
like Carnac and meet with our medium, Crystal Weinstein, who is 12 years old and is just amazing. We all hold hands
as Crystal goes into what appears to be an epileptic fit and then she channels the spirits who talk through her.
Johnny does not come every night but when he does he always wants the same thing: a carton of Camels a six pack of Heineken
and cash, wrapped hundreds in a Nike gym bag. Usually around $10,000. And it's not just Johnny who visits us.
Just the other night, we were visited by Fred De Cordova, George Gobel and Ed Ames with his hatchet. Hoooo!
Cost for an average evening (including tip, ground transportation and per diem) $25,000.
Rumor
#2: I own and operate a monkey farm in Glendale. Again, this is true. I believe that monkeys are our future, period
the end. Need I say more? We have 300 tiny fertile and unfortunately hostile capuchin monkeys who we dress in American
doll outfits. We've given them all American doll names including: Felicity and Elizabeth, Mia and the Bitty Twins and house
them in a building that looks like the Doubletree Hotel in El Segundo. Overhead/upkeep: (including bananas, Pampers
monkey diapers and bite care for the staff) $1,000,000 a year.
Rumor #3: This year alone I
have purchased over $34,000 worth of Lane Bryant cacique bras for my man breasts. This is also true, although I did
not make the actual purchases myself for obvious reasons. We are working on a deal for me to become the spokesperson
for the soon to be announced Ed McMahon bra collection for the man who needs something extra. We are also working on
polo shirts with built in bras.
Rumor #4: I am wearing a neck brace for sympathy. This one
is absolutely not true. I have a legitimate neck injury from trying to have sex with wife Pam on something called "The
Violator." Unfortunately it comes on wheels and has the same motor as a top of the line Sears Craftsman lawnmower.
I not only hurt myself but I accidentally mowed the entire shag rug in our bedroom that was a wedding gift from Sammy and
Altovese Davis.
Rumor #5: I have been skimming off the top from the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.
That is an outrageous accusation! There is a HUGE difference between skimming and taking a little taste. Jerry
and I split everything 75/25 and divvy everything in a hotel room in Bangkok the day after the show. The agreement is
that I get to take no more than I can carry in a Queen sized pillowcase. Without this money I could not possibly keep
my house in order and keep my staff of seven, who are now all over the age of 75, employed and who are just plain wonderful
at running around frantically putting pots under leaking rain.
The Final Rumor:
I am totally broke. Unfortunately this is true. I know that many of you are asking: Ed how many pairs of
Doc Martins does a man in his early eighties need? Ed, do you really have to attend that weekly poker game at Tony Martin
and Cyd Charisse's house? How many times can a man lose his pants, cufflinks and Rolex watch to Mickey Rooney? Is it
really necessary to send bottle of Dom over to Tony Curtis's table every time he forgets your name? And Ed, don't you
think it's strange that your wife still goes "out with the girls" every night to Chasens? The answer to all these questions
is: Yes Sir! Okay, maybe I did live a little high and sure, the prospect of living in a produce box behind the
Ralph's on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City is not all that appetizing. But I have friends. Lots of friends.
And as long as a man has friends, a couch to sit on…and a telethon to keep him going, what else do I need? Besides
any day now, a man just might show up at my house with a check the size of a small billboard from Publisher's Clearinghouse
for ten million dollars. The odds of that happening are really, really good.
I should know.
written
by David Simon
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David Simon
I wrote sitcoms for about 15 years. Fresh Prince, Mad About You, Sister, Sister, The Wayans (co-created),
Full House, My Two Dads, Hearts Afire, Charles In Charge, Kirk, Together We Stand
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All Things Are Possible
If Your Motivation Is Strong Enough
By
Bob Proctor
The late Dr. Kenneth McFarland of Kentucky was famous for his rousing, inspirational speeches.
A line he repeated frequently became lodged in my mind: “All things are possible if the motivation is strong enough.”
Conversely, I’m sure you will agree, very little of any importance will happen in the life of the individual who is
not motivated. When the question is asked, “What’s motivation got to do with it?,” I believe the correct
answer is: everything!
There’s no trick to staying motivated today with the tools that we have available. Cassettes,
CDs and DVDs with mind-expanding messages are at our fingertips. However, these messages will prove to be no more than interesting
information without a specific target to shoot at, a goal, something you really want.
You don’t have to know
how to reach the goal. You must know that you will reach it.
Realize that nothing is created or destroyed; everything
you require is already here, if not on one frequency, then on another. And you and I think on frequencies. The frequency we
have been thinking on has produced our present results. The information that will lead us to our goal is on a higher frequency.
Motivational recordings will turn your mental dial and tune you into the ideas that will take you, step by step, to your chosen
destination.
In the early 1960s, I drove around Toronto holding a small portable record player that was powered by
two flashlight batteries, playing Earl Nightingale’s recording of The Strangest Secret over and over again. It was the
repetition of listening to that message, day in and day out, that changed the conditioning that had been controlling my life.
That small record player now sits on a bookshelf in Gary Chappell’s office (Gary is Executive Vice President of the
Nightingale-Conant Corporation).
Today we just have to hit a button in our automobile and a lifetime of research from
some brilliant individual pours into our marvelous mind. It was the genius of Earl Nightingale, coupled with the vision and
business acumen of Lloyd Conant, that turned motivation into an industry. They made it easy for you and me to stay motivated,
as we move from one meaningful goal to the next. By listening to motivational recordings every day you will neutralize the
negativity that surrounds you, enabling you to focus on the beauty and abundance that is omnipresent…which brings us
back to Ken McFarland.
All things are possible, if the motivation is strong enough.
Bob
Proctor is Publisher of Networking Times. To learn more about Bob, please visit www.bobproctor.com
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